I’m sure we all have our own ideas on what the most profitable films of all time are, and reading this piece over at Moviefone I was half expecting to see the likes of Paranormal Activity, Blair Witch etc.

How wrong I was. The piece references a list compiled by CNBC and it brings up some quite surprising results not least with the title at the number one spot which elicited the response of “You’re shitting me!” from me.

So here’s the list from 15-1 including their return on investment:

15 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King – ROI: 1008%

14 – Mrs Doubtfire – ROI: 1160%

13 – There’s Something About Mary – ROI: 1194%

12 – The Hangover – ROI: 1297%

11 – Jaws – ROI: 1308%

10 – Ghost – ROI: 1446%

9 – Home Alone – ROI: 1590%

8 – The Passion of the Christ – ROI: 1749%

7 – American Beauty – ROI: 1780%

6 – Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope – ROI: 1938%

5 – Grease – ROI: 1975%

4 – Pretty Woman – ROI: 2013%

3 – Slumdog Millionaire – ROI: 2520%

2 – E.T. – ROI: 3172%

1 – My Big Fat Greek Wedding – ROI: 6150%

So there it is. I didn’t guess many of those at all going in to the piece. It’s worth noting that all the figures used to compile the list have been adjusted for inflation but still the gap between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and the rest of the list is huge.

I’ll keep it brief, because there is only so much bashing one film can take from one man, and I dont usually believe in exorcising critical demons in public unless a film really REALLY deserves it. But trust me, R U There did deserves it with a vengeance. I am enormously astounded that the film got more applause than Robin Hood, and that it’s current Jury rating (according to Variety) is around the 3/4 mark- I only assume I was watching the wrong film.

The film is ostensibly the tale of a professional video gamer who, during a tournament in China, falls in love with a local, and basically buys her attention for the time he remains in China. It falls somewhere in the uber-modern romance story bracket, but it clearly has aspirations above its station. The first (long) half an hour or so is spent establishing that the life of a gamer on tour isnt necessarily as glamourous or fulfilling as it may seem- there is a definite attempt to make the same sort of statement that Lost in Translation made about boredom and alienation being intensified a thousand fold by an uncompromisingly unfamiliar foreign culture. Sadly, you get the idea director David Verbeek was going for well before the film stops trying to drum the message into you, and the sequence (which in all honesty could have been three hours long, such was my painful disassociation with the concept of time during it) dragged on relentlessly to the point where people fell asleep, others walked out, and there were audible creaks from chairs as critics stirred restlessly.

The second sequence of the film, in which main character Jitze (Stijn Koomen) and object of his obsession Min Min (Huan-Ru Ke) play out an electronic courtship via Second Life. Yes, you heard me right. The audience are forced to watch actual scenes from clunky, visually and technologically outdated life simulator Second Life, as Jitze attempts to tell Min Min how he feels about her, and convince her to presumably go steady with him. The problem with the technique is two-fold: firstly, while the earlier sequences in which we see Jitze competing on a Call of Duty-alike first-person shooter from a POV within the game are fairly entertaining, the experience of watching them wooing one another on Second Life is painfully inaccessible. The only people that watching that would appeal to are Jitze and Min Min themselves. The second problem is the limitation offered by Second Life’s woefully unresponsive graphic engine, meaning that expressions and emotions are completely devoid from supposedly emotive passages are rendered lifeless and inappropriate, with some lingering shots, which I can only hope were meant as a self-parody, aping the camera techniques that would have tracked the characters were they interacting in “real life”.

But then the unemotive element of Second Life would have suited Stijn Koomen perfectly, as he apparently only possesses one facial expression- that of mild apathy, no matter whether he is supposed to be showing explosive anger (stamping on a waste paper bin rather grumpily) or extreme sexual arousal (getting a massage from Min Min). His is a face of epic blank slate proportions, and it becomes entirely impossible to empathise with a character completely devoid of even the slightest emotional capability. Ok, so he is supposed to be bored with his life, and unable to function in the real world, so he escapes into his gaming world (as a hollistic doctor later says “he lives too much in his head”, but there is only so much of one recurrent motif I can take before I am thoroughly turned off.

So, I cant really be accused of misunderstanding the film- I recognised the themes of Jitze’s inability to express himself, even when confronted with a dying motorcyclist inches from his feet, unless he is “online”, and the escapism that offers him sanctuary, or even his eventual progress (very relative) when he accompanies Min Min to her home of Taipei and meets her family, where he is partially liberated and more able to interact and express himself. I also recognised the attempt to create a Lost in Translation-alike for the XBox generation, with a hint of Pretty Woman thrown in for good measure. But I was still thoroughly bored- everything in terms of content was handled badly, and the scrip, as much as was provided by Rogier de Blok, was stunted to say the least.

As if to elucidate my argument, the man sitting immediately to the left of my viewing group fell asleep and loudly snored from about twenty minutes in, then as the lights came on, roused himself enough to boo the film. The other opinions I gathered were as follows:

“That is the worst film I have ever seen”

“It said nothing, but took an hour and a half to say it”

“I dont get it.”

The only good aspects of the film for me were the jobs the Location Scout and Cinematographer did in painting a visually stunning look at China, both in terms of city scapes and wide sprawling countryside. But even then, ironically, the “action” of the film got in the way, and partially spoiled the visual experience.

Unfortunately R U There is exactly as good as sitting watching someone else’s Second Life experience sounds, though it does provide another offering for an expression of love for the Modern Filmic Dictionary, and one that might well be one we here more and more as people disappear into virtual worlds:

“I like your avatar”.

Actress Sasha Grey states that her name was dually inspired by The Kinsey Scale of sexuality and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray.  It is Dorian Gray I recall as I sit in a tiny screening room with the crisp, Vogue editorial, beauty of The Girlfriend Experience unfurling on the screen before me.  Utter lack of affect in the face of unspeakable actions.  Is prostitution unspeakable?  Perhaps, at least, it is the latter-day love that dare not speak its name.

When Steven Soderbergh selected Grey as his muse for this Sex, Lies and Videotape for an Apprentice generation, speculation was rife (and ribald) that The Girlfriend Experience would be as blue as the economic mood upon its release.  Pleasingly nothing could be further from the truth.

The Girlfriend Experience presents five days in the life of a unique independent contractor ““ Manhattan call girl Chelsea.  Chelsea’s $2000 an hour services conjure the illusion of an immersive relationship-lite.  Sexually she is a consummate courtesan but emotionally her role is closer to that of Geisha.  Solicitous, fascinated and utterly, china doll, detached.  Boyfriend Chris (Chris Santos) is fully aware of Chelsea’s double identity.  Chris understands the pressure of a life trading one’s self as a commodity ““ every cent of profit he makes over his wage goes to fill the coffers of the downtown gym where he trains the wealthy and time-impaired.  He is at an impasse and struggling to find a way forward.

While Chris struggles, Chelsea has an opportunity to introduce her charms to the readers of an influential punter-review forum.  She sleeps with the lecherous webmaster, he raves about her performance online.  He is paid in kind, she in custom.  Surely her flawless professional facade can withstand such a trade?  The story we see in broken fragments suggests not.  Chelsea’s dynamic with Chris has become as close to GFE as any $2000 encounter so new client Phillip appears a kindred spirit and an escape when her tightly knitted-life begins to unravel…

I suspect that many people will go to see The Girlfriend Experience expecting a dialogue on the cause and effect of life as a working girl ““ it is after all the cause du (Belle de) jour.  Others will go to see a little T&A.  They will all be disappointed.  In The Girlfriend Experience Steven Soderbergh has created a film which doesn’t proffer gift wrapped answers to the viewer.  There are no life lessons here.  Much has been made of the life-landscape behind GFE shot, as it was, in the weeks leading up to the 2008 Presidential election.  As he favours structured improvisation the “˜civilian’ cast were encouraged to speak just as they would in life, to discuss the headlines of the day and banter about the minutiae of their lives.  Thus the issues of the wider economy underscore the personal concerns of the cast and offer a timely context to a story originally conceived in 2006.  The important thing to bear in mind though is that this tale could take place at any period of modern history because it is a story unique to Chelsea and the extraordinary world she occupies.

I will confess to having been a little disconcerted by the way The Girlfriend Experience ““ as both a movie and a concept ““ has been represented in reviews.  I have read much that reinforces an idea of Chelsea as executive toy.  Or even as a bespoke provider of instant coupledom for the busy man-about-town.  The consensus appearing to be that GFE as a service is primarily about the G, that other distasteful F word diluted by phrases such as more than sex. Let me be very clear here then ““ The Girlfriend Experience is a film about a prostitute.  It is a realistic and direct look at one successful working girl’s working week.  It is doubtful that many of her clients are paying thousands of dollars for vanilla lovemaking and companionship.  To not accept this as fact is to misunderstand the absolute accuracy of Grey’s standout performance.  You want pretence, watch Pretty Woman.       

Of Sasha’s performance James Rocchi at Cinematical wrote “Grey is not a great actress — I can’t really imagine her playing Ophelia or one of the Three Sisters”. I cannot help but agree.  As one of the new power players in pop culture and contemporary porn I imagine, should Ms Grey set her sights on The Dane, she would insist upon playing the man himself!  In appearance her Chelsea recalls Alison Lohman’s transient foster child in Peter Kosminsky’s White Oleander ““ a cool, pale canvas awaiting interpretation.  For me though, in performance, Grey is pure Jennifer Jason Leigh ““ clever, complex and carnal.  She credits Leigh as one of her heroines and there are echoes of the same temperament and tone here.  I wonder that she has not received more praise for her compelling turn.  When she is on screen she commands your focus utterly.

Together DP Peter Andrews and Steven Soderbergh have created a striking film.  It has an authenticity that owes a great deal to the inexperience of the cast who, besides Grey, were predominantly playing variations on themselves.  Irrespective of the 2008 setting, its gloss, materialism and magazine shoot aesthetic lend an undeniable 1980s tone.  Further reinforced by the scattergun chatter of men on a Vegas bound jet that punctuates throughout. And anyone familiar with Bret Easton Ellis’s searing social commentary American Psycho will feel the retro force at its strongest as Chelsea meticulously details every outfit she wears.  The attention to detail is impeccable, her presentation so Rachel-Zoe-by-numbers as to be a gentle pastiche.  The red light camera emphasises the photo shoot effect, lending the available light all the mighty powers of an art department airbrush, so that the jumps from then to now and back become a flip through the pages of a life.

Chelsea hides behind her Zoe-disciple shades, impeccable wardrobe and the lowered gaze of a false-lashed eye.  In place of self-awareness, surface.  We never get any closer and we never understand.  She shields the dangers of her job with superstition as her only safeguard.  We see her in a town car with a driver, incongruously young against the formality of the backseat and lunching in a restaurant with a friend chattering about life and work.  We see her at home lounging on an overstuffed couch and we see her taking investment advice from a Hassidic jeweller client before taking him into the back room for the unfriendly F.  We see her at home, at work and at play.  We never see who she is.

The Girlfriend Experience offers no new ammunition to either side of the prostitution debate and it is much the better film for it.  It credits the audience with the ability to simply let it be what it is.  For that reason The Girlfriend Experience stands out as one of my favourite films this year and one I unreservedly recommend.

The Girlfriend Experience is released in the UK on 4th December

Read our exclusive interview with Sasha Grey here

View the full trailer below