This morning I was glancing around the internet as usual looking for some inspiration and instead I found a whole heap of stupid. It’s the kind of stupid you don’t expect to find when perusing the broadsheets, it’s the kind of Peter Hitchens starey-eyed, brains to the wall,  life threatening thickness that makes you wonder how these people remember to breathe.

What I’m essentially trying to convey here is my amazement at the story printed in The Daily Telegraph on Tuesday about people demanding refunds for The Artist. Why? Because there was no dialogue or colour and the picture was a bit smaller than usual and no one gets decapitated by a big muscular man as he carts around a woman dressed only in a pair of breasts. I’m ever so slightly appalled.

The story harks back to last October when outraged morons went into Paddy Considine’s terrific and challenging Tyrannosaur expecting something akin to Jurassic Park just without the Hawking-esque intelligence of the velociraptors. Outraged that instead of human catastrophe at the hands of a big lumbering carnivore they got a dog being murdered by an unemployed widower with a drinking problem, they marched to the box-office with all of the righteous outrage of Saddam Hussein at a war crimes tribunal. These people are so dense that I’m surprised that the cinema didn’t start to orbit around their ignorance singularity, ironically making their self-imposed predicament inescapable.

I wouldn’t take issue with these reports if the people just asked for a refund politely and in most cases I guess they do. However I was actually in the foyer of my local independent when one certain complainer was kicking off about Tyrannosaur and amongst the accusations of false advertising and fraud I suddenly realised that the modern cinema experience can be fraught with idiocy.

/Film also report on examples where a theatre in Connecticut had to post signs encouraging their customers to read up on the content of The Tree of Life before purchasing their non-refundable tickets. However the one that takes the all the biscuits is the woman who filed a lawsuit against FilmDistrict because she’d expected Drive to be more like The Fast and the Furious.

Seriously, what possesses people to demand a refund or even a court settlement in these situations? The Drive trailer showed nothing that wasn’t in the film. It’s not like Considine mis-sold his film by interspersing the downbeat trailer with clips from Dino Crisis. Neither did Michel Hazanavicius who’s completely dialogue-free trailer most definitely didn’t feature an Orson Welles monologue or some sort of shouty interlude. I mean if you go into something blind and don’t like the results how have you been wronged in any way?

If I went around taking titles literally every time I went to the cinema  I’d go down to the Phoenix Picturehouse near me expecting (as the OED would erroneously lead me to believe if I amalgamated the definitions of picture and house together like an idiot) “a building containing a painting, drawing, photograph, or other visual representation on a surface that is fit for human habitation, typically and historically one that is the ordinary place of residence of a family” and yet find a building showing films. They should have called it the Phoenix Film Building but even then I might rock up expecting to find a mythical bird there and be so disappointed when there isn’t that I go home and lick twice as many windows as usual. And then I’d eat a Mars Bar and get furious when I didn’t bite into red rock.

Hazanavicius had a sense of humour when the subject of The Artist’s walkouts was broached, saying, “I have been told about it and I think it’s hilarious, actually…If I could give any advice to people it would be that they should ask for their money back whenever they see a film they don’t expect. If it’s not written on the poster ‘this is a bad movie’ and they think it’s a bad movie, ask for a refund!”

Of the more film-literate public, Hazanavicius said that people in general “really enjoy the [silent movie] format and they’ve discovered that it is a new way to tell a story.” That’s precisely what it is. A new way to tell a story. Film is about telling stories and evoking emotion and thought. At no point anywhere under any definition of its remit does it say that films should not be silent. Musical accompaniment or no musical accompaniment it’s just a widely accepted filmmaking method. Deprive your audience of a picture and film loses its purpose, deprive them of dialogue and it opens up their mind to a pure form of visual story telling.

It’s not always a bad thing to be unpleasantly surprised when one goes into a cinema. Why not go with it sometimes, you never know where it might take you…

Unless it’s a Michael Bay film, in which case leave and sue everyone.

Source: The Daily Telegraph

Today Wikipedia along with many, many other websites partook in the ‘blackout’ protests against new internet piracy guidelines and acts being discussed in the American House of Representatives and the Senate.

They essentially removed their sites from circulation for a day citing that this could be a regular occurrence under the new proposals. The laws being fought here are the planned Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the contrived ‘Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act’ which provides the ecstatically convenient moniker PROTECT IP, also referred to as PIPA. So there’s a bit of fun amongst all of the legislation after all. That’s nice.

But whilst PIPA has been roundly opposed by internet big boys like Google and Wikipedia it’s the SOPA bill and its ramifications that have been grabbing the headlines. Both acts are designed to stop the sharing of copyrighted content on American computers and servers. The enforcement mechanisms that the bills allow include power over search engine indexing and the incoming traffic from foreign alleged copyright infringers.

Whilst there’s a lot of obvious piracy online that I think any industry could definitely do without (sites like The Pirate Bay are often cited as such) the bills are so invasive and general that their ramifications could be disastrous for swathes of worthy sites throughout the world, let alone the US.

The bill for one could be interpreted as a heavy burden for sites that routinely use copyrighted material within the bounds of fair use policy. Sites like Wikipedia and even HeyUGuys that use copyrighted material under fair use as a matter of course in writing about and promoting ideas and in our case films will be severely affected by the acts.

Whilst HeyUGuys and many other non-US sites may feel the effects of the bill much less it is in no way just America’s problem. SOPA’s supporters cite the bill’s targeting of “foreign rogue websites” as an advantage of the proposed legislation but the definitions and wording of what constitutes such a site is woolly and ambiguous. The sheer room for manoeuvre within the bills as they stand could lead to perfectly innocent enterprises being blocked or diverted from US IP addresses. Such tools would not only lead to widespread censorship but could even compromise the internet’s addressing system.

The bill would also require sites to routinely scour their articles, links or even comment sections for copyright violations that must be pre-emptively removed before action is taken. This is a huge burden for large sites that contain a lot of reader reaction or for small sites that do not have the time or legal nous to search for and identify potential copyright infringement. The frequently lauded ideal of free speech would be severely undermined as sites would most likely close the comment and forum sections of their site or at the very least start to heavily censor reader produced content.

For sites like HeyUGuys for example the bills could cause a direct problem. The sharing of film trailers, film footage, screencaps and other promotional material of ambiguous distributional arrangement could give sites like this massive issues. While such ‘promotional material’ is used throughout the internet on sites that thrive from analysing, reviewing and opining on all things entertainment (often under the copyright constraints that such a brief entails) the incidental use of potentially copyrighted images will cause unnecessary problems for sites that all in all promote the genre within which they work.

For example if I accidentally use a screencap from a film that I assume to be a promotional still, the copyright holder could report the site, with repeat infringement notices probably resulting in HeyUGuys being delisted from search engines and advertising network and payment providers being forced to sever business relationships. If the site was hosted in the US an infringement notice could have the site instantaneously taken down until the offending material is removed on the strength of this mistake.

Whether the copyright holder chooses to report alleged infringement may be down to the nature of our content. If we give a negative review a company may be much more inclined to act than if we give a glowing report of their product. The bills therefore could lead to an all-pervasive paranoia about the source of every piece of incidental property and to the site’s content.

One ardent and powerful supporter of SOPA is the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) who often seek to persecute film piracy with all of the angry shouting that they can muster.

The chairman and CEO of the MPAA Senator Chris Dodd yesterday issued a statement condemning the SOPA ‘blackout day’ protests that have been popping up all over the internet.

“Only days after the White House and chief sponsors of the legislation responded to the major concern expressed by opponents and then called for all parties to work cooperatively together, some technology business interests are resorting to stunts that punish their users or turn them into their corporate pawns, rather than coming to the table to find solutions to a problem that all now seem to agree is very real and damaging.

It is an irresponsible response and a disservice to people who rely on them for information use their services. It is also an abuse of power given the freedoms these companies enjoy in the marketplace today. It’s a dangerous and troubling development when the platforms that serve as gateways to information intentionally skew the facts to incite their users in order to further their corporate interests.

A so-called “blackout” is yet another gimmick, albeit a dangerous one, designed to punish elected and administration officials who are working diligently to protect American jobs from foreign criminals. It is our hope that the White House and the Congress will call on those who intend to stage this “blackout” to stop the hyperbole and PR stunts and engage in meaningful efforts to combat piracy.”

Whilst Piracy is a definite problem in the film industry his comments (as do the bills themselves) misunderstand what meaningful piracy is. If one downloads a film without paying for it then in most cases the property holders are deprived of their due fee. This is a crime and should be recognised as such. However if the authorities get all anally retentive about the use of promotional material and the coverage of films on websites that do the industry more good than harm then the MPAA’s comments seem to harm the film industry, not enhance it.

This goes for the websites that cover it too. Whilst I and many others may frequently vent our disdain for certain aspects of our chosen passion our ultimate interest and motivation in the industry comes from a place of love. And without getting all mushy about it it’s the sharing of ideas and the creative energy that comes with ambiguously defined fair-usage policies that keeps us in the game.

When I see a horribly earnest fan made trailer for Twilight for example made by a hopelessly besotted teenager in their room I may scoff and laugh about it, I might even send it to some of my friends to laugh at but either way it is obvious that the person has engaged in a creative pursuit that ultimately edifies and celebrates the magic of film. Yes, they have infringed copyright by distributing the material but the trailer would not harm Twilight’s revenue stream. No one is going to watch what is essentially a promotional trailer and not see the film off of the back of it just because it involves some of the films copyrighted footage. The fair use of copyrighted footage rarely bares any resemblance to industrial concerns and often it seems like creativity’s gain is in no way the industry’s loss.

But it is an industry after all so maybe such considerations are not taken by the studios. Fair enough. But whichever way you look at it the last thing they want is websites getting taken down and bankrupted by needless legal wrangles when everyone involved is just pursuing and promoting their passion, and film itself. I’d like the MPAA to take heed of this. At the moment they seem to be blinkered by the industry monster of piracy when in fact the SOPA not only seeks to stifle the distribution of pirated films, but actually looks to undermine the very creativity upon which the film industry is based.

As Wikipedia would have it (and I’m sure you know), “Battleship is an upcoming 2012 science fiction naval war film based on the game of the same name”. A science fiction naval war film to place amongst the illustrious canon of science fiction naval war films, I’m sure. A science fiction naval war film that will turn the tables on the haters and their grim view (or indeed lack of any view whatsoever) of the science fiction naval war film genre. And with a budget of $200 million it’ll be a science fiction naval war film fit to rule them all.

Outside of satisfying the niche that no one ever considered filling, however, you may be thinking how the hell those maniacs over at Hasbro have turned a table-top classic into a Hollywood blockbuster. Well they’ve done it by disregarding the intricacies of the guess-’em-up boardgame and by taking a more bombastic, alien-heavy approach in which ships battle in a way that tenuously pertains to the title and the game itself. But with aliens, which doesn’t really pertain at all:

The new poster seems to promise much battling by at least one unlucky ship, probably with that humongous alien thing rising up out of the sea. Remember that time when you were playing Battleships with your dad when you were a kid and your dad said D4 and an extra-terrestrial monstrosity rose up and put a load of explosive shells into your four-square long one and it exploded and you cried? Me neither, but the film does look like a load of dumb fun with Liam Neeson looking to carry on his recent (and very successful) Samuel L. Jackson-esque “I’ll star in anything you can pay me enough for” streak, albeit tragically induced by the untimely death of his wife.

I myself am looking forward to the whole “I have never ever seen a man waste himself better than you” thing Neeson and Taylor Kitsch have got going on in the trailer. It’s going to be facile beyond belief but so’s the game – see I knew there was another connection in there somewhere.

One thing’s for sure. In 2012 ships will most definitely battle:

Source: IMP Awards

When they announced the Len Wiseman-helmed reboot of Total Recall a while back, I wasn’t too excited.

This may have something to do with Wiseman, who, aside from some good solid work on Die Hard 4.0, has spent most of his career directing his wife Kate Beckinsale in latex fetish fest Underworld and its disastrous sequel Underworld: Evolution.

It may have something to do with the cast which seems to be mainly comprised by a rag-tag bunch of Hollywood pretty faces (Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel and the obligatory Beckinsale) and the superlative Bryan Cranston who may add a dash of much-needed gravitas to an otherwise underwhelming line-up.

However I think that the main problem here is the distinct smell of unoriginality that hangs around the entire affair. This lack of inspiration is furthered by this week’s release of an extended plot synopsis:

“Total Recall” is an action thriller about reality and memory, inspired anew by the famous short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Welcome to Rekall, the company that can turn your dreams into real memories. For a factory worker named Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), even though he’s got a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) who he loves, the mind-trip sounds like the perfect vacation from his frustrating life – real memories of life as a super-spy might be just what he needs. But when the procedure goes horribly wrong, Quaid becomes a hunted man. Finding himself on the run from the police – controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), the leader of the free world – Quaid teams up with a rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) to find the head of the underground resistance (Bill Nighy) and stop Cohaagen. The line between fantasy and reality gets blurred and the fate of his world hangs in the balance as Quaid discovers his true identity, his true love, and his true fate.

Whilst the setting may be different, pretty much everything else seems to be the same. Despite reading claims that the film is ‘inspired anew’, I couldn’t quite process the platitude due to the unbearable sound of the execs at Original Film loudly plundering the grave of Paul Verhoeven’s 1992 cult classic.

It’s still astonishing however that Total Recall hasn’t really featured on any of the ‘most anticipated’ lists of 2012. I suppose that the best we can all hope for is that it surprises everyone and the best that the studios can hope for is that it manages to recoup its staggering $200 million budget. Things aren’t looking promising but there is a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t write it off just yet.

Source: GeekTyrant

Remember the times critics have said that they like it when films let the audience find the horror in their own imagination? To keep that latex monstrosity of a monster in the shadows lest we see it’s horribly unhorrifying latex moulded face? To keep that particularly traumatic scene off-screen so that we can think ourselves into terror as opposed to just passively taking it like a blood soaked pie to the face?

Well I think they should take that back because no matter how fertile an imagination you have The Darkest Hour will finally confirm that suspicion you had that invisible electricity isn’t actually that scary. At all. Not even when it turns people into fairy dust and eats your energy. Not even then.

The film starts by following two American internet entrepreneurs (Emile Hirsch and Max Minghella) who head to Moscow to finalise a business deal. When they learn that their idea has been stolen by a Swedish opportunist (Joel Kinnaman) they head to a nightclub and hook up with two female tourists (Olivia Thirlby and Rachael Taylor). A black out occurs and soon enough the world is being attacked by  invisible aliens that feed of electricity whilst showing a stark disregard for the integrity of the human body.

As soon as our two All-American heroes grace the screen with their thoroughly unlikable presence – cock-blocked as they are by an alien apocalypse and bitter about the loss of their creepy dating idea to a scheming swede – one quickly realises that you won’t be empathising with anyone any time soon. Add to this a lack of decent special effects and a couple of unimaginative action sequences and all you are left with is a cold empty shell of a film, devoid of invention nor genre thrills.

Finding the key to survival in nothing more than being attractive and having access to a wholesale amount of lightbulbs, the young cast do a passable job but it’s the writing that’s at fault . The screenplay by Jon Spaihts is dry and peppered with placeholder characters who breeze through the carnage with little to say and surprisingly little to do. Whenever anyone is speaking it’s just plot exposition and whenever anyone isn’t the film is just efficiently disposing of the plot, going through the motions until eventually it all grinds to a giddy halt and the film ends. But not before giving us a terrifying glimpse at the spectre of a sequel.

Whilst it’s a cliché ridden and wholly derivative affair it does come as a bit of a surprise that it’s set in Moscow. This of course has much to do with the influence of producer Timur Bekmambetov but it’s an interesting decision nonetheless. However The Darkest Hour’s attempts to differentiate itself through its location are slapdash and grossly offensive at best. All American business boys Sean and Ben get double crossed within about ten minutes by those lousy thieving Muscovites. You know, the ones called Yuri and Boris wearing those big furry hats like you see in the films. With the music, that sounds like all of that Russian music, because it’s all the same. Those films. You know, the stupid ones. How this came from the mind of the man who has written Prometheus (Spaihts) I don’t know, but that may become abundantly and unexpectedly clear come June.

The main mystery on show here though is that of director Chris Gorak who back in the heady creative days of 2006 wrote and directed the striking and thoroughly thought provoking Right At Your Door. A film low on budget and big on ideas, it showed the man to be a promising young talent, ready to create heaps of atmosphere and apocalyptic destruction from nothing more than a house and some wonderfully committed performances. The opposite is on show here. Whereas before the implied consequences of a dirty bomb were enough to paste a thick layer of doom laden subtext over his small theatrical drama, this time round he’s got money to blow and he’s blown it on crummy CGI. Whereas before a concept said a thousand words, this time around $30 million has said very little at all.

The Darkest Hour was released in UK cinemas on the 13th of January.

*~~~~ (1/5)

Ever since the release of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome in 1985 cult film fans the world over have been waiting for George Miller to follow through on his promise to continue the saga.

25 years on and just as filming was about to start Australia had other ideas and the shoot got rained off as their once arid location picked for its distinct ‘apocalyptic hell-hole’ look suddenly sprouted some startlingly un-apocalyptic flowers on a brand new carpet of grass. A year on and filming of Mad Max Fury Road has moved to Africa where the weather gods are a little more kind to the dystopian film maker.

In order to do this many of the film’s principal props have had to be shipped over from their original location. Happily this includes many of the ridiculous custom-made cars that will pepper the wasteland, cars presumably fuelled exclusively by testosterone, baby’s tears and the concept of hate:

Other photos were snapped on the back of loaders taking the cars to storage in South Africa that depict several copies of Max’s famed ‘Interceptor’, his coupe of choice from the original movies. My guess is that they won’t meet a pleasant end:

Whilst they are surely a mechanic’s dream and/or nightmare, it’s all very encouraging for the future of the franchise. After struggling for so long to take the new film into production it looks like things are definitely being given the go ahead. If all goes to plan the cars here could be hitting a screen near you sometime in the near future along with new Max Tom Hardy and his prospective co-stars Charlize Theron and Nicholas Hoult. I for one can’t wait.

Source: The Age

James Franco has been making some puzzling decisions recently and by decisions I mean one in particular. Earlier this year he signed up to work with Harmony Korine who amongst other things wrote and directed the all too literally titled Trash Humpers, a film in which men in prosthetic old man masks hump trash in various positions and locales. Why? Because it’s art you idiots.

Attention grabbing cine-sewage aside however Franco may be following up a dubious decision with a film that’s guaranteed to be cinematic gold. For years now studios have been trying to get an adaptation of bestseller The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists into production and it seems like it’s finally happening.

The book (based on the author’s real life investigation) centres around Neil Strauss and his experiences inside a group of pickup artists as he learns the tricks of the trade from mentor Mystery. Once he completes his ‘training’ he then becomes a teacher of ‘The Game’ with a group of rotating students in a Sunset Strip mansion. During the course of his adventure the Rolling Stone journalist documents his interactions with Britney Spears and Courtney Love who actually moves into the mansion to learn some pickup techniques.

Franco is now in talks to play Mystery and it’s a character just crying out for a heap of awesomely obnoxious and entertaining characterisation. Currently still in the early stages and with the script being written by David Levien and Brian Koppleman, The Game could be heading to a cinema near you at some point in the not-so-distant future.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

Focus Features’ new digital distribution subsidiary Focus World has recently picked up Cuban zombie comedy Juan of the Dead for a North American digital release. The film gained Focus’ attention when it played at last year’s Toronto film festival and whilst I won’t be in America anytime soon I’ve got to say that this all sounds very promising.

It’s not often that you get a good horror comedy and as someone who doesn’t quite get Shaun of the Dead maybe I just don’t get horror comedy at all. Whenever I doubt myself though I just stick on Peter Jackson’s Braindead and as Derek destroys heads my piece of mind is restored. You see when I’m not being scared by horror films or at least intrigued by them it’s always fun for them to jump the shark and go nuts, that or funny. Ideally both. When it also has a wry eye for the political as all great zombie films do then more’s the better.

Two friends from Cuba hatch a plan to launch a zombie extermination service after their picturesque island is overrun by the living dead in this satirical horror film from director Alejandro Brugués (Personal Belongings). It’s the anniversary of the Cuban Revolution, and as the hungry undead make an unwelcomed appearance, best friends Juan (Alexis Días de Villegas) and Lázardo (Jorge Molina) decide to parlay their skills for dispatching zombies into a professional career. As the government attempts to maintain public order by blaming the fracas on Americans who they claim are attempting to topple the current regime, Juan and Lazardo rally the troops, gather their weapons, and prepare to make a killing by ridding Cuba of zombies one shambling, flesh-eating corpse at a time.

It’s basically like the Buena Vista Social Club just without much music and everything gets decapitated and guitars are used for liquidising faces as well as for technically proficient salsa.

Whilst many critics apparently like to see the film as a political allegory director Alejandro Brugues says that it’s actually a commentary on how Cuba’s citizens find a way to deal with poverty. Either way Focus World plans to digitally distribute the film after its scheduled theatrical run in April, a run that it appears will be conducted by a separate distributor.

I’m just hoping it gets a look in over here in Blighty.

Source: Collider

Quentin Dupieux is back! No, I’m not sure who he is either but nevertheless I’m intrigued. His previous effort called Rubber – a film reported as being an exercise in ‘intellectual w**kery’ and B-movie tackyness – was well received and concerning as it did a murderous car tyre with homicidal intent how could it not be?

His follow up is Wrong, a film that so far has confounded all attempts by anyone to decipher precisely what’s going on. The Gibson-insane trailer released in November served to confuse everyone further but even so the film is already generating quite a cult following. Get ready to have your mind diddled:

The film stars William Fichtner, Alexis Dziena and Steve Little and centres around a man who is looking for his lost dog and along the way comes across a nympho pizza-delivery girl, a jogging neighbor seeking the absolute, and a mysterious righter of wrongs.

Who the hell knows how this is going to turn out? It has bonkers pedigree, a crazy vague trailer and added to this it now has an even vaguer teaser scene, presumably released to ready it’s audiences bewildered faces for the films premiere at Sundance in a few weeks:

So who’s Mr Chang? Why is he running late? Why did she take so long to do her stretches?  Why does all of the promotional material for this film end so abruptly? What is the director on?

Well you can rest assured that all of these questions and more won’t be satisfactorily answered come the film’s (currently unspecified) release date.

And even then it looks like one question will trump them all. Why?

Source: IndieWire

Spare us a thought. We pitiful writers (do please pity us) subsist on a meagre diet of set images, teaser images, trailers, teaser trailers and recently teaser images for the teaser trailer for the trailer (see here and here for a hearty dose of overkill). Yes, it seems that we are doomed to a life of fumbling around in the cesspool of 21^st century PR culture getting covered in slimy snippets of information, our nostrils filled with the stench of up to the minute minutiae. Well today you reach me at a new low as I (and by ‘I’ I mean Collider) rummage through what is essentially children’s toys for any dirty little snippets of news I can get my grubby hands on. Therefore it only seems right to warn you that throughout this article there will be a smattering of completely inconsequential, meaningless and only possibly accurate spoilers.

You see whilst studios like to leak out information about their upcoming release like the marketing mental Scrooges they are they often fail to keep a lid on those meddling toy manufacturers who’s products are often released in advance. I assume they don’t think that an adult of adult age doing what many assume to be an adult job would bother to stoop to such a low level to get his mucky spolierific fix. But what the fools didn’t expect was that I bloody well will stoop. So the joke’s on them. I think.

So as I edge my way around Idle Hands I am treated to a veritable smorgasbord of Mega Bloks box shots and more promotional material than I would care to have to look at. Whilst it soon becomes apparent that Mega Bloks is short hand for Tesco-Value Lego it also soon becomes apparent that here we get our first look at Spidey’s new enemy; Lizard. Well I say we get our first look, it’s actually our first look at his plastic not so fantastic counterpart. Looking like a cross between The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four’s The Thing and a cross eyed Dolph Lundgren with severe joint issues I guess it sheds very little light on what we’ll be treated to in the movie.

The main reason for my visit here though is that it’s a pretty sure fire bet that each of the situations depicted here in glorious Blok-O-Vision will make an appearance in the movie. So we’ve got some sort of thing with a roof and a ladder and a jet-ski – so that’ll be Sewer Lab HQ then. We’ve got a helicopter, a rooftop, a crane and the introduction of a fella called SWAT Lizard – so that’ll apparently be Oscorp Tower FX Battle and lastly we’re treated to Spidey and Lizard having a good old battle to the death in the descriptively titled Lizard Man Showdown.

So that’s what I’ve discovered. Was it worth it? Probably not…

Source: Collider

As someone who thinks that 2008’s In Bruges was the best thing ever ever. Ever. The release of the first set of images from the set of Martin McDonagh’s follow up effort Seven Psychopaths fills me with unspeakable excitement.  That they constitute mostly shots of Colin Farrell getting boozed up whilst renowned oddball Christopher Walken walks in and out of shot (we can only assume mostly deliberately) does nothing to diminish my hater-proof attitude of bloody minded optimism.

Yes 2012 may be the year of Batman and Spiderman and The Avengers and The Hobbit and the Mayan Apocalypse and many more adaptations of tried and tested IPs and humongous world ending catastrophes, but here is a film that is guaranteed to be a true original. Yes, all of this fawning enthusiasm is only based upon one script from 3 years ago and the writer/director’s high regard in theatrical circles but damn it if this isn’t something to get over excited about then I don’t know what is.

McDonagh’s brand of jet black humour may not be to everyone’s taste but when he gets it right, he gets it right. Nevertheless, who knows at this early stage how it’s going to turn out? Farrell doesn’t even seem to know what’s going on:

“I wouldn’t know how to break down that fucking plot. Martin McDonagh wrote a great and really original script.”

Well someone has managed to get to grips with the fucking plot, so here it is:

A screenwriter struggles to find the handle on his script called Seven Psychopaths. He then gets drawn into the dog-napping escapades of his friends (played by Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken). Once the beloved Shih Tzu owned by a psychopathic gangster (Woody Harrelson) goes missing, the screenwriter finds himself fuelled with all the drama he needs for his screenplay, if he can stay alive long enough to write it all down.

Label me disproportionately excited. Click here for the full set.

Source: Film-O-Filia

Ever since the heady days of ‘the lean’ rom-com posters have been suitably low on inspiration.  Not a day went by where you didn’t see Matthew McConaughey leaning toward some hire-a-face actress who in turn was leaning toward him. Oh how they leaned! The only thing stopping them from collapsing into a self satisfied heap of attractiveness was the mutually supportive lean based construction the two had created , it’s foundations composed entirely of commercially motivated whimsy and the structural integrity of McConaughey’s abs.

Well now that such lean-centric advertising has fallen into the realms of cliché and parody the first poster for Wanderlust is out and it looks set to revolutionise the way actors and actresses pose for promotional material that wishes to signal “fun and frothy romantic comedy!”:

George (Rudd) and Linda (Aniston) are an overextended, stressed out Manhattan couple. After George is downsized out of his job, they find themselves with only one option: to move in with George’s awful brother in Atlanta. On the way there, George and Linda stumble upon Elysium, an idyllic community populated by colourful characters who embrace a different way of looking at things. Money? It can’t buy happiness. Careers? Who needs them? Clothes? Only if you want them. Is Elysium the fresh start George and Linda need? Or will the change of perspective cause more problems than it solves?

I’m guessing it’s going to solve all of their problems. Just a hunch.

Yep from the poster it seems there’s going to be a lot of ‘throwing caution to the wind!’ and ‘living life down the path less travelled!’ and a load of other shouty potentially comedic stuff. Oh, and a redemptive ending that tells you that working the 9 to 5 grind might not be the best way to go about your life. The whole jumping into the unknown thing the new poster’s got going on has loads of potential. Just stick your actress and McConaughey of choice into the actress and McConaughey sized gaps and you can promote any film with it. As a matter of fact I might copyright it right now. This poster’s got legs.

In reference to the film itself all we have to go on is the trailer. The trailer where the comedy looks to be found largely in the culture shock induced when one joins a hippie commune, that and Paul Rudd. And I love Paul Rudd.

Well everything seems in order then. Let’s hope it lives up to its potential. And that Aniston is funny for once.

Source: IMP Awards.

Are you the type of person who likes watching the stimulating highlights over the real thing? Do you always want to get straight into the filthy action without any of the messing around? Do you like people going on and on about Charles Dicken’s no matter how incompetently?

Well Ultra Culture has recently solved your Christmas wishes with some red hot footage of Derek Jacobi’s exploits in one of the worst documentaries ever made; Charles Dickens’ England. And since it’s Christmas I think it’s high time you discovered it.

Throughout his ponderous whistle-stop and then stop some more tour of Charles Dickens’ life (featuring visits to London and numerous country idylls) our man Derek often comes off about as bumbling and inarticulate as Boris Johnson in a blender. Spending most of the running time wandering around with the forlorn bewilderment of a man who has recently misplaced his nipples one has to wonder how the hell this film ever got made, let alone released. You also have to wonder if Jacobi was having some sort of prolonged seizure throughout, that or a grievous miscarriage of judgement.

Watch as he watches things. Look as he looks at things. Laugh as he laughs. Gasp as he gasps. Gawp as he gawps. Read a biography of Dickens instead of watching this pile of self indulgent arse. It’s like watching Jacobi taking a nice warm soak in Dickens’ reflected glory whilst covered in the bubblebath of late career insanity. So the question is; why is it so funny?

If anyone was in any doubt as to why Charles Dicken’s England is often considered one of the worst films of the last few years here is the evidence. It’s plodding, it’s awkward, it’s self-satisfied, it’s quite frankly terrible, but d’you know what? It’s hilarious. And I wouldn’t have it any other way:

It may have a terribly off-putting title (and let’s face it, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever standard terrible) but ‘Emanuel and the Truth About Fishes’ backs that up with an even more off-putting premise.

Emanuel is a troubled 17-year-old girl who babysits her new neighbour Linda’s “baby,” which is actually a very life-like doll. She goes along with the delusion while befriending Linda, who happens to be the spitting image of her late mother.

After acting in Francseca Gregorini’s egregiously insufferable previous feature Tanner Hall newly appointed movie star Rooney Mara was slated to play the titular Emanuel before scheduling conflicts got in the way. Now Skins alumni Kaya Scodelario has stepped in and news is that Jessica Biel is in final talks to maniacally inhabit the shoes of the nutty neighbour.

Scodelario’s Emanuel was previously described as “a young, troubled woman who becomes obsessed with her mysterious, new neighbour that looks uncannily like her dead mother.” But from the brief plot synopsis available one could easily substitute the words ‘mysterious’ and ‘new’ for ‘batshit’ and ‘insane’.

It all sounds rather distressing but Biel whilst often considered to be a hollow Hollywood model shaped cypher actually does show potential. Whether or not this seemingly hysterical Freudian nightmare will prove to be the subtle underplayed role she’ll need to get respect is a different matter.

The next time she will be gracing our screens she’ll be riding on top of the cash cow Total Recall as they milk it dry in yet another unwarranted ‘reboot’ – a concept which often makes me want to give certain Hollywood producers a reboot up the backside. However whilst it’s abundantly clear she’s picking them as they come (New Year’s Eve springs immediately to mind), I suppose you can’t blame her for that. It’s your typical blockbuster then overwrought low-budget performance cycle that seems to dominate the life of our top actors and actresses. It is a business after all.

Whether her role in ‘Emanuel and the Truth About Fishes’ is as hysterically unbalanced as it sounds is yet to be seen. How much Emanuel will learn about fish is also unclear. However, one thing’s for sure, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well.

Source: Variety

Vin Diesel has pretty much put rumours of a sixth and seventh Fast and the Furious film to rest this week by stepping out of the shadows to pretty much (two important words there) confirm them.

Speaking on the writing process of the much touted sixth film (a process that I’m sure is ably aided by a veritable surfeit of Hot Wheels miniatures and a lot of vroom vroom sound effects) he has stated:

With the success of this last one, and the inclusion of so many characters, and the broadening of scope, when we were sitting down to figure out what would fit into the real estate of number six, we didn’t have enough space. We have to pay off this story, we have to service all of these character relationships, and when we started mapping all that out it just went beyond 110 pages.

To this he added that the studio said “you can’t fit all that story in one damn movie!” which for my money is Universal braying for two films worth of box-office, what with their engine currently running on last year’s Fast Five dollars and all.

Director Justin Lin is confirmed for the sixth and everyone seems to be assuming that he and the cast will return for both new outings considering that most of them are pretty much box-office poison outside of the franchise (and by most of them I ironically mean the two leads stars Vin Diesel and Paul Walker). Even so that’s no bad thing because as long as you lobotomised yourself on the way in Fast Five was undoubtedly rollicking good fun.

It’s yet to be seen whether the two films will be stand-alone pieces or whether they will form one two-part contiguous story but either way I’m excited. Whilst they won’t be anything like The Hobbit or Harry Potter 7 they will definitely rival them as pieces of all out entertainment.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

Posed like a Christmas card from that family down the street no one really likes to make eye contact with, Empire have got their grubby little mitts on the first official image from the people behind the film adaptation of David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas.

It all looks rather perplexing.

Now as someone who knows nothing whatsoever about the book  - other than it’s affinity for the eclectic – the image pretty much delivers the bewilderment I expected:

Amongst the mayhem at least the people are easily identifiable. In the middle there’s (from right to left) Tom Twyker, Lana Wachowski and Andy Wachowski and there’s author David Mitchell popping a squat behind them. Everyone else hasn’t merited a mention in any press coverage but I can confirm that they look satisfied that the film has finally wrapped. So that’s nice.

Apparently all of the assorted and seemingly meaningless ephemera that surrounds the talented types does have relevance to the novel so helpfully Empire in all of their grace have included an explanation with their scoop:

If you know the book, you’ll also recognise props from the six interlinking tales. We’ve spotted the VW Beetle of crusading journo Luisa Rey (Berry), the ’70s thriller that should inject serious voltage into the film’s middle act (if you really know the book, you’ll spot that it’s drab green not rust orange).

Also on display are a pair of Chatham Island totems, a piano belonging to the composer of the ‘Letters from Zedelghem’ chapters, some dystopian gadgetry from near-future Korea, and a cart that we’re guessing gets used to carry post-apocalyptic veggies around Hawaii.

Sounds like I have a lot to catch up on:

The book concerns a reluctant voyager crossing the Pacific in 1850; a disinherited composer blagging a precarious livelihood in between-the-wars Belgium; a high-minded journalist in Governor Reagan’s California; a vanity publisher fleeing his gangland creditors; a genetically modified “dinery server” on death-row; and Zachry, a young Pacific Islander witnessing the nightfall of science and civilisation — the narrators of Cloud Atlas hear each other’s echoes down the corridor of history, and their destinies are changed in ways great and small.

The sheer volume of plot to tackle here becomes apparent when one looks at the production schedule. The cast is huge featuring Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Hugo Weaving, Ben Whishaw, James D’Arcy and Jim Sturgess to name but a few. The six stories involved span multiple continents and centuries with everyone playing multiple roles. To make things even more complicated alongside the Wachowski’s unit director Tom Twyker ran a second unit in parallel in a bid to get the sprawling material filmed in time for its approximate release date of ‘late 2012’. Pleasingly they seem to have succeeded.

Another piece of good news was that the film got made at all, even better when you consider that it’s with the Wachowski’s co-helming. Famously selective in their interactions with the media (and seemingly their projects) since rising to eminence with The Matrix, they have had the transient media presence of an odourless gas. Well it’s good to see them back. After the steaming wreckage of Speed Racer’s LSD tinted mayhem skidded into a cinema near you and then straight back out again a few years ago it’s great to see that the twosome can still cobble together a budget to rival the GDP of a small country.

Let’s just hope they use it wisely and for once equal the potential they showed way back in 1999.

Source: Empire

Whilst the trailer looked to beat our cynicism into submission through the oddly suspicious tagline of “fall under the spell” I just couldn’t get on board with Tarsem Singh’s Mirror Mirror.

No matter how hard I try I can’t get excited about Panto anymore. It’s perfect for a bit of nostalgia and lovely when you’re a child at Christmas but now I’ve got all serious and boring I’m having none of it. But last time I checked I wasn’t a pre-pubescent girl so I guess that the film’s due a reappraisal.

Yes, 2012 sees not one but two whole adaptations of Snow White. But whilst Snow White and the Huntsman looks to involve a lot of stern Kristen Stewart facial expressions, Mirror Mirror looks like it’s going to smother us with big camp cuddles and luverly wuverly kisses. That, and attempt to gently nudge you into fits of light amusement.

A wicked enchantress (Roberts) schemes and scrambles for control of a spirited orphan’s (Collins) throne and the attention of a charming prince (Hammer). When Snow White’s beauty wins the heart of the prince that she desperately pursues, the Queen banishes her to the forest, where a ravening man-eating beast hungrily awaits. Rescued by a band of diminutive highway robbers, Snow White grows into an indomitable young woman determined to take back her realm from the treacherous Queen.

Now it’s got a new poster and the trend looks to be continuing:

Lily Collins as Snow White is looking at her most wholesome and Julia Roberts is still laying on the PG rated evil with a trowel, but all that is fine by me. Instead of another post-Twilight fairytale (think Red Riding Hood) it’ll be fun to have a bunch of talented people throwing caution and dignity to the wind (think Armie Hammer under the influence of puppy love in the trailer).

So it may not be fashionable but it doesn’t want to be. Broad comedy gets a bad rap sometimes but I’m sure a lot of children will be looking forward to the ‘Snow White Legend’ to come alive in a much more joyous sense than it’s Huntsman featuring counterpart. Hell, come March 16^th I might even regress 10 years or so and trot on down to the cinema for some wholesome inoffensive family fun.

Just to clarify, I won’t. But it all sounds very cosy doesn’t it.

Source: Collider

Martin Guigui’s new horror thriller Beneath the Darkness has a new poster that hints (and by ‘hints’ I mean ‘sounds the fog horn’) at the horror to come.

The trailer for the film released back in June wasn’t too promising and believing that Dennis Quaid is a sadistic serial killer with his clean-cut All American persona may seem a bit of a stretch, but never fear – the poster is here to show you what a deranged monster he can be:

With Quaid seemingly on the prowl for babies to eat (that or laxatives) and his two younger co-stars looking both fresh faced and suspicious of the clogged up lunatic respectively, all looks to be in order for a meaty and underwhelming clichéd horror offering. But hey, what is horror if not predictable. Speaking of which:

In the film, Ely Vaughn (Dennis Quaid) is a pillar of the community in tiny Smithville, Texas. The town’s mortician, Ely has been revered since his days as the high school’s star quarterback. But since the tragic death of his wife two years earlier, Ely has withdrawn from his neighbours, while local teens spread stories of supernatural goings on at Ely’s mansion—which is also the funeral home. When high school friends Travis (Tony Oller), Abby (Aimee Teegarden), Brian (Stephen Lunsford) and Danny (Devon Werkheiser) decide to check out the rumours. In doing so they stumble on a grotesque, long-hidden secret. The sadistic mortician next door will now stop at nothing to literally bury his past.

Featuring an adversary so angry he can literally bury the immaterial construct of time, it all sounds a little silly. But silly can be fun if done in the right way. Details of the film are a bit thin on the ground but judging from the stills and this poster Dennis Quaid looks to be delivering his menace with a generous side of ham. Which in what looks to be such a formulaic offering is the best you can hope for really.

STYD

Here’s one for Orange customers and information on how you can get the Orange Film to Go this week.  Every week, Orange will be doing their Film Night Live which is an online web streaming Q&A to coincide with the movie that they are giving away for nothing (I can’t use the word ‘free’ but essentially it’s for the price of a text) on iTunes. This will be happening every week on Thursday and has the catchy title, Film To Go (we don’t want to hear people calling it Orange Thursdays!). Each week at 8pm, there will be a live webcast which they call Film Night Live. We’ve teamed up with Orange to bring you the bradcast on the HeyUGuys Facebook page here.

This week, the movie being given away is 2010 movie starring James Franco, Jon Hamm, David Strathairn, Mary-Louise Parker & Jeff Daniels called ‘Howl’, the story of Allen Ginsberg’s poem. Orange customers can get the movie via the Orange website here by texting and receiving a code. The free download window is 00:01 Thursday morning to 23:59 Thursday night and download must begin within this time in order to be free.

Then this evening Film Night Live (you don’t have to be an Orange customer for Film Night Live) is back from 8pm to 8.30 equipped with a live chat and the chance to ask questions to award winning poet, Catherine Brogan. You’ll also get the chance to win an iPad 2 during the course of the show so keep your eyes peeled.

Click here to get your free movie (if you’re an Orange Customer)

Click here to tune into the live webcast and join in the fun!

Howl Synopsis: James Franco and Jon Hamm star in this film about the life of Allen Ginsberg, chronicler of the now infamous Beat Generation known for their bohemian hedonism and their rejection of conventional lifestyles. Set in the 1950′s we meet Allen Ginsberg as his poem HOWL is being put on trial for obscenity, a law-suit that would revolutionise the publishing industry.

London-based Tremulant Design have created an awesome infographic of how the future might pan out if the predictions of movies prove to be anything like correct. It covers a whole range of futuristic movies such as Blade Runner, V for Vendetta and WALL-E and also covers all of the big movie series such as Terminator, Aliens and Star Trek. That brief description doesn’t do justice to this epic project though as it has over 70 movies listed!

With so many films in the list with a lot of well-known titles some of the films covering the same space, or should that be time, don’t entirely share the same future vision and if I had to pick one of these conflicts then it would be the year 3,000 when the opposing views of the future come from Futurama and John Travlota’s “Battlefield Earth”! Before you scream in offended anguish I know Futurama is technically a TV show but I, and probably lots of other people, would forgive it anything if it can save us from “Battlefield Earth”!

It was Michael Hobson of Tremulant who compiled this amazing piece of work, although I should point out that in doing so he has incurred my everlasting loathing for coming up with such an outstanding illustration before me, and just to add insult to injury he says it’s his first attempt at an infographic too! Seeing as I never won a fight at school I’m always averse to engaging in fisticuffs so, putting our differences to one side, I’d recommend that you scroll down (click to view) or head on over to their site to see the whole list in it’s full glory.