Having already worked to adapt last year’s release schedule for the big screen — you can thank me when you run out of board games, Hollywood — I thought I’d try to do the same with 2012. After all, we’re all about franchises here, particularly those with some semblance of name recognition.
If 2012 were a movie it would be unable to shy from the Olympics, Curiosity’s arrival on Mars or the fact that the world didn’t end. It would feature a British enquiry, an American election and Austrian jumping out of a hot air balloon. Not to mention a naked prince, the God particle and Gangnam style.
If 2012 were a movie it would also reflect the year in film. It would be a 50th anniversary re-release of a stop-motion reboot. It would be a team-up movie, a mega-franchise starring Snow White, Alfred Hitchcock and Taylor Kitsch. The rights would be bought by Disney.
If 2012 were a movie it would star Matthew McConaughey in a surprisingly scuzzy role, Anna Kendrick as the icy girl you can’t help but fall in love with and Joseph Gordon Levitt as someone who takes his job very, very seriously. Elizabeth Olsen would steal the show, Brian Cranston would cameo and Dwayne Johnson would sign to star in the sequel.
If 2012 were a movie it would be set in Moscow, where no mission is truly impossible, teenagers spend their darkest hours and Umbrella stages its zombie apocalypses. It would take place in a gang-controlled apartment block, a cabin in the woods or somewhere on Jump Street.
If 2012 were a movie it would be named after its leading character: Bruce Wayne Of Gotham, Katniss Everdeen Of Panem or James Bond Of MGM’s financial Woes. It would be available in 3D, D-Box and 48fps, and it would break box-office records and be split into three parts.
If 2012 were a movie it would be a superhero film by Marc Webb, an exploitation flick by Steven Soderbergh, a transmedia gangster movie by a rap musician and another Alien instalment by Ridley Scott. It would be directed by Dustin Hoffman, executive produced by Guillermo del Toro and feature a performance by Werner Herzog.
If 2012 were a movie it would be a disappointment to fans. It would be over-hyped, an hour too long, re-edited just before release and delayed until the following year. It would be too dark, too different and too downright ridiculous. It would have a mid-titles sequence, five endings and fifteen minutes of credits.
Nevertheless, if 2012 were a movie I would stick with it, love it despite itself and go again the following week. I would look past the botched beginning, talking limousines and apparent David Bowie oversight. I would admire an animation’s controversy, a prequel’s ambitious philosophy and a dance film’s revolutionary streak.
If 2012 were a movie, it would just keep getting better and better.