Today’s edition of Entertainment Weekly features the cover story that Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a semi-autobiographical animated television series called The Governator. Today being the first of April, there is unlikely enough salt in the whole of Britain with which to take this allegedly exclusive news story.

Once we had overcome the crushing disappointment that Arnie might not really be taking on dastardly villains – The Gangsters, Imposters, Racketeers, Liars and Irredeemable Ex-cons (or “G.I.R.L.I.E. Men” for short) – for our entertainment, this potential April Fool’s joke (really, it sounds too brilliantly bonkers to be true) got us thinking about which other stories from the last year could have done with a well-timed rug-pool, the consolatory knowledge that it had all been some elaborate joke replacing the uncontrollable anger induced by each. As such, listed below are five news stories from the last twelve months that we wish had in fact been April Fool’s jokes.

Jennifer Garner IS Miss Marple

The last time Jennifer Garner was left to star in her own movie, the world was punished with Marvel’s first truly irredeemable comic book adaptation. The star of Elektra, Garner’s utter failure as a leading lady ensured that she was sidelined for such ensemble projects as Valentines Day, and downgraded to love interest in such movies as The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and The Invention of Lying. That she is now set to play a British pensioner, who solves crimes the local police department can barely raise an eyebrow at, simply screams April Fool’s. Or, sadly as the case may be, doesn’t.

Darren Aronofsky Leaves The Wolverine

It is hardly controversial to claim that X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a bit, well, rubbish, so when Darren Aronofsky signed on the dotted line to helm the inevitable sequel, the character’s devoted fanbase breathed a much needed sigh of relief. Promising to return the character to his animalistic roots, and limit the number of superhero cameos to a welcome zero, Aronofsky looked like the best thing to happen to Wolverine since Alkali Lake. Sadly, the prospect of close to a year away from home lead to Aronofsky leaving the project and Fox beginning its search for a new director. With The Wrestler and Black Swan’s combined critical success, however, his The Wolverine will forever live on as one of the most intriguing “what if…” scenarios of recent years.

Michael Bay To Produce “Zombies vs Robots”

Ever since Kramer vs. Kramer dragged the versus concept out of video bargain bins and into the mainstream, there has been a growing insurgence of “vs” movies at the box office. Whether it was Freddy vs. Jason, Alien vs. Predator or Monsters vs. Aliens, the genre has so far proved disappointingly weak, with this year’s Cowboys vs. Aliens and the likely slew of future period drama/zombie mash-ups ensuring the genre’s sway for at least a few years to come. What makes this particular mash-up all the more uninspiring, however, is the news that MICHAEL BAY‘s Platinum Dunes is set to produce it. Isn’t the prospect of a fifth zombie-filled Resident Evil movie enough undead action for one year?

Government to Abolish UK Film Council

One of the fist acts of our coalit-Conservative government was to abolish the UK Film Council, a money saving ploy that hit the Department For Culture, Media and Sport particularly hard with cuts of up to 25% over the next four years – presumably so David Cameron could finance a new estate, fly Nick Clegg into town for some more caviar and sew “Free Hugs” into every hooded-sweater made while he’s in power. Provoking objections from the likes of Emily Blunt and James McAvoy, and earning a letter of protest from Clint Eastwood himself, the ill-advised closure marked the end of an institution responsible for such classics as Andrea Arnold’s Fish Tank, Shane Meadows’ This is England and Robert Altman’s Gosford Park.

Buffy Reboot Confirmed, Writer Announced

After early reports and speculation back in 2009, it was confirmed in November of last year that Buffy The Vampire Slayer would be adapted to the big screen sans Joss Whedon, the original cast and anything that might be deemed responsible for making the acclaimed television show such a pop-culture phenomenon. With little known TV writer Whit Anderson having successfully pitched a new take on the source material (read: the laughable Kirsty Swanson vehicle directed by Fran Rubel Kazui back in 1992) to Warner Bros., the scene is now set for an apocalyptic travesty that even Sarah Michelle Gellar and Mr. Pointy may be powerless to stop. Even as an April Fool’s joke this would have been in pretty bad taste.

I have been lentil-lovingly vegetarian for over twenty years, yet eighty minutes into a screening at Sony last week I was hit with the alarming and overwhelming urge to see a roast duck dismembered. What fresh madness was this? The power of film my friends. Essential to the climax of Julie & Julia (reviewed here) is the ability of blogger Julie Powell to bone, wrap, cook, carve and serve a duck. You never see her carve the duck ““ maddening! For this reason, and to coincide with the Friday release of the film, I give you my Top 5 fluffy-but-satisfying foodie movies.

(Before you ask The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover never made the cut because, though brilliant, like Soylent Green it’s people, people. Not appetising.)

5. The Last Supper: (No not that one). “The conservatives are effective. They do things. All we do is buy animal-friendly mascara.” Five graduates host lively debates over dinner with “˜alternative’ guests and deadly conversation after Bill Paxton’s surprise visit challenges their liberal consciences. Vile guests, deep black comedy, tips for growing luscious tomatoes and an early appearance by Cameron Diaz; The Last Supper is a treat for anyone who ever wished their dining companions would hurry up and leave the table.

4. Goodfellas: Trust me on this. You may think you know Goodfellas inside out, I’m sure it’s already in your DVD collection, hell, you may even have upgraded to the Blu-ray already, still”¦you don’t know Goodfellas. This gangster classic is, as every great Italian story ever told, all about food. Consider Paul Sorvino in a prison cell, going to work with his blade: “He was in a year for contempt and he had this wonderful system for doing the garlic. He used a razor and he used to slice it so thin that it used to liquefy in the pan with just a little oil. It was a very good system.” Henry and Tommy sitting down to have a little bite with Tommy’s Mama after “˜work’. Or a tomato sauce bubbling on a stove as the FBI close in: “Keep an eye on the tomato sauce and watch the helicopters”. Goodfellas = good food.

3. Simply Irresistible: “I love dessert, it’s the whole point of the meal.” I make no excuses for my love of this film. It is sillier than a very silly thing but, somehow, it is also slightly brilliant. Sarah Michelle (Buffy) Gellar, a hopeless chef on the verge of losing her beloved late Mother’s restaurant, finds love, luck and cooking know how with the help of a magic crab. There is hypnotic vanilla fog, dreadful dialogue and a dining scene so ridiculous you may think I have irrevocably lost my mind but”¦the food. Sometimes it is just nice to lose yourself in a little stupidity and have a damned good excuse to eat a box of éclairs. This film is that excuse, enjoy it with my blessing!

2. Waitress: “Pregnant Miserable Self Pitying Loser Pie… Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambé of course.”Adrienne Shelly’s Waitress is perfect. It is a gem of a film and it makes me smile whenever I see it. Waitress tells the bittersweet story of Jenna (Keri Russell), a small town girl who’d like only to live a quiet life, make pies and maybe win the state pie contest. She is handicapped in this quest by her horrible husband Earl and her accidental pregnancy. (A pregnancy that occurred when she accidentally had sex with her horrible husband Earl.) Her hopes, fears, anger and secrets are all baked into outrageously appetising dishes ““ plain old apple pie will never look the same to you again after viewing this scrumptious movie.

1. Moonstruck: “La bella luna! The moon brings the woman to the man. Capice?” Do you remember what I said about Italian movies? They are like Italian families – food is at the heart of them all. Moonstruck may be the greatest illustration of this I have ever seen. When Loretta Castorini (Cher) visits a Brooklyn bakery to tell her fiancé’s estranged brother the news of their upcoming marriage she loses her heart and changes her fate ““ much to her disgust! Swooningly romantic, this is one of my favourite films of all time as well as being my top foodie movie. Olympia Dukakis’ dignity as Loretta’s Mother Rose, dining alone at a neighbourhood restaurant in the face of her husband’s affair, her razor sharp wit and threat to kick her Father-in-law to death for feeding her food to his dogs. Cher rowing with Nic for his stubborn pride five minutes after they meet as she sizzles a steak on the stove “bloody to feed your blood”. The morning after in the Castorini kitchen with a furious Rose fixing oatmeal for the family and Loretta hiding from her intended in a closet. Messy, complicated and brilliant, Moonstruck is all about appetite, for life, for food and for love. It has opera, it has Cher, it has passion, and it has Nicolas Cage ““ what more could you ask?

What do you know about Molly Ringwald?  That she is the redhead who (broke the unwritten rule about ginger hair and) dared to be Pretty in Pink, starred in the three greatest teen movies of the 1980s and has a striking party trick involving cleavage and a lipstick.  Anything more?

Did you know, for example, that Ms Ringwald lived through a devastating Super Flu (which wiped out most of the US population) and fought an epic battle between good and evil for the very souls of mankind?  Or that she was once hurled down a staircase by a psychotic ghost of Christmas past?  Possibly not…

With this in mind, I present you a list of my favourite Molly roles.  As is right and proper her partnership with the late John Hughes features prominently but, hopefully, there are one or two surprises from the versatile Queen of Teen.  Though I was still juggling the order until moments ago, here is my temporarily definitive Molly Ringwald Top Five:

5. The Stand: Book to screen transitions are notoriously tricky and few authors have been as open to this process as Stephen King.  He is famously generous to filmmakers - granting them rights to his huge body of work for peppercorn payment.  This has been a wonderful thing for fledgling directors but not so much for King fans.  However, this mini-series adaptation of his heftiest tome does a reasonable job of conveying at least the human aspects of the epic tale.  The Stand is the story of a man-made killer bug, Captain Trips, accidentally released on small town America and its devastating consequences.  In the aftermath the survivors have a second fight as they begin to write the rules for a new society – there are larger forces at play and not everyone wants to follow the rules.

The drama is made remarkable by a handful of strong performances – by Gary Sinise, Rob Lowe and Laura San Giacomo in particular - and punctuated by a stirring soundtrack.  King himself makes his regular Hitchcockian appearance beside the fine supporting cast and there is an episode one cameo by Sam Raimi to spot!  Jamey Sheridan (Syriana, The Ice Storm) offers a seething, almost pantomime, Randall Flagg leading the conflicted to the dark side, but Molly Ringwald is the humanity at the heart of the melodrama.  Frannie Goldsmith begins the story as a girl-next-door with a secret and becomes one of its heroines.  Frannie, even in the novel, is hard to engage with - her will to survive necessitating a certain hardness.  Ringwald deftly handles Frannie’s harder edges and, to me, the impact of the Super Flu hits hardest when seen through her eyes.

4. The Breakfast Club: To know The Breakfast Club is to love it, but what’s to love about Claire?  Rich, entitled, pretty and preppie – she doesn’t exactly leap off the page as likeable.  And she might have remained trapped in her stereotype were it not for John Hughe’s alchemistic power to render the ordinary…unique.

Pampered princess Claire doesn’t belong in Saturday morning detention with a group of randoms, yet this one static Saturday away from the mall dares her to break the Daddy’s girl mold.  The, now cult, trio of Hughes/Ringwald films perhaps peaked with The Breakfast Club.  Claire is arguably the best realised of the three characters Ringwald portrayed.  From the simple sketch of a diamond-sporting Prom Queen, the pair created a memorable and nuanced individual.  An individual quite equal to the task of stealing Bender’s heart!

3. Sixteen Candles: Samantha Baker is a perfectly observed teenaged girl.  She could be (Are You There God it’s Me) Margaret a few birthdays hence.  Sam wakes up on her birthday expecting breasts, boyfriends and marching bands to greet her.  Instead her Sweet Sixteen is swept away in a tsunami of preparation for her sister’s wedding.

Sixteen Candles is a quintessential teen movie with all the food groups represented – inconsiderate/embarrassing family, the boy who doesn’t know you exist, the wrong boy who does and a good dose of body dysmorphia.  This well-trod John Hughes territory is no less charming for its familiarity.  It was the first of the three teen movies they shot together and Molly’s Sam is endearingly awkward. The true magic of the movie lies in the toe-curlingly recognisable moments; the first call to the object of your affection, the ‘how far would you go’ notes swapped in class and that longing.  Of course naïve Sam intrigues by contrast and turns the head of school heart throb Jake her way but her triumph still makes me want to cheer whenever I watch!  Including an early role for personal favourite John Cusack, Sixteen Candles is a pure hit of nostalgic bliss.

2. Office Killer: Cindy Sherman’s pitch perfect, pitch black, comedy is an essential for anyone who has ever set foot upon the 9-5 treadmill.  Efficient and pathologically mousy copy editor Dorine (Scrooged ‘fairy’ Carol Kane) lives for her job.  It is her only respite from the drudgery of a spinster life spent caring for her invalid Mother.  When the office introduces a ‘work from home’ initiative Dorine takes the news very badly.

Molly gives a fabulous turn as snide suspicious co-worker Kim Poole, the token office bitch and a woman begging to be killed horribly!  As Dorine finds an innovative way to take her work home, Kim tries her best to derail her sending Dorine into a deadly spiral.  The ensuing gore fest is a joy – perfectly subverting the thriller/killer tradition with most unsettling results.

1. Pretty in Pink: The most love/hate product of the Hughes/Ringwald relationship, I am firmly on the madly-in-love-with side of the fence.  And there are a lot of us over here!  Outside pressure dictated a less than ideal ending (which pains me to this day) but Pretty in Pink’s enduring charm allows fans to love it flaws and all.

Andie Walsh is an unusual character for a teen movie because she never assimilates.  The rich/poor blonde/not-so-blonde divide has never been more evident in Hughes’ work than it is in this film, but Andie doesn’t cross the line – in fact they come to her.  Her vintage clothes and record shop job are out of place and time in her preppie school with its BMW-heavy parking lot.  Unlike Some Kind of Wonderful’s Amanda Jones, Andie does not seek to mask her background even when rich boy Steff throws her a bone - the offer of a date and a passport into his world - or bland Blaine comes calling.  Behind closed doors though she bitterly resents it.

This is my favourite of Molly Ringwald’s roles because it is her rawest, in fact Pretty in Pink is altogether rather a dark film.  When Andie props up her unemployed, heartbroken Father, or rejects the advances of James Spader’s Steff her vulnerability is all too apparent.  It’s a brave movie and one which speaks to the imperfect school experiences of many.  It dares to address the fallibility of adults without seeking to solve anything.  With an evocative soundtrack providing subtle narration this heartfelt film is as stylish as it is sweet (hideous prom dress not withstanding!).

There are many injustices in Hollywood today: inequality of pay, the resurrection and desecration of classic 80′s movies and Nicole Kidman continuing to get the big bucks though her face has been expressionless since 2003.  The biggest of all still remains why, oh why, no one will cast Janeane Garofalo in anything decent. She co-starred for five years in one of the defining sitcoms of the 90′s, The Larry Sanders Show, is a popular stand-up on the New York circuit, has had supporting roles in dozens of moderately successful movies and a recurring role on 24.  She just never quite broke through.  The closest she came was a crash diet in preparation for a promised role in Jerry Maguire, only to see replacement Renee Zellweger rise to stardom and acclaim in her place.

This then is my cry out to the Universe on her behalf.  As evidence of her considerable talent, I offer my Top 5 Janeane Garofalo performances:

5. Reality Bites: It pains me to include Reality Bites in my list but I am going to bite my (virtual) tongue and put Janeane first.  As sexually prolific Gap worker and Generation X-er Vickie, she managed to bring artlessness and truth to a self-conscious and borderline ‘message’ role.  Although the conceit of her wait for HIV test results may seem a little contrived today, Janeane’s performance still gives it resonance.  The film is certainly worth watching for lesser-stars Steve Zane and Garofalo but is primarily a vehicle for ‘hot young things’ Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke.  In my opinion the crossed stream consequences of their combined smugness detract a little from its charm but it remains a slacker classic.

4. Mystery Men: What’s not to love?  Ridiculous, juvenile AND William H Macy, it ticks all the boxes.  Janeane plays ‘The Bowler’ a reluctant member of a team of Superheroes who all bear the proud distinction of not being very super at all.  They band together to defeat the inevitable supervillain against some appalling sets with some of the funniest dialogue ever to pass a pair of superlips.  Much of the comedy lies in the awesome might of their ’powers’ so I will not divulge too much here.  Suffice it to say cutlery features prominently and Janeane’s bowling ball contains the skull of her dead Father.  Watchmen this is not.

3. Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion: Well suited to her flair for snark, Janeane’s sub-plot romance with the cowboy hatted smoker is one of the sweetest notes in a very clever film that has far more soul than first impressions suggest.  Not to mention an interpretive dance to Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time that will rock your world!  A celebration of friendship, nostalgia and man-made fibres, the candy-sweet story gets a nicotine kick from Janeane.  It also reinforces my enduring belief that smoking is cool (though neither big nor clever).  This is my fourth year living apart from my Marlboro - Flashdance, Now Voyager and Ms Garofalo are three reasons I will never quite forget them.

2. The Truth About Cats & Dogs: Since the films release in 1996 Janeane has gone on the record to say she regrets her involvement believing it is not in keeping with her feminist values.  I’m sure I’ll be sacked from being a girl for saying so but…sod feminism - it’s a jolly good film.  A classic chick flick and reimagining of Cyrano de Bergerac where short and brunette is the new ugly-with-big-nose (that does sound quite bad actually but fiddle-de-dee).  The Truth About Cats & Dogs unites photographer Ben Chaplin (Game On) with self-deprecating radio host Janeane in a sunny world where all that truly matters is what you have on the inside. A world in which Uma Thurman’s distracting beauty is no match for fate when two people are meant to be together.  Yes I know it’s very silly, go with it it’s nice.  We all need a little undiluted nice once in a while.

1. Sweethearts: And when you’ve had enough of nice, there’s Sweethearts!  Unlucky in love Arliss places a personal ad and by way of reply spends an evening in a coffee shop with manic depressive, accident-waiting-to-happen Jasmine.  This is her greatest performance and offers, in places, an insight into the world according to Janeane Garofalo.  Producing as well as starring in this memorable movie, Sweethearts is the perfect illustration of my premise – this woman should be working more!

For many moons, I have been waiting in vain for a certain star to rise. Yes I should be grateful that lovely Mr. Apatow came back and resuscitated the profiles of Jason Segel, Seth Rogen and the other (lesser known) Freaks & Geeks boys after their years of comparitive obscurity, but you know what…it’s not enough. Yet now, just as all hope was lost and he was doomed to forever be known as “isn’t he Phoebe’s boyfriend from off of Friends”, Paul Rudd’s shiny friend is finally in the ascendant. He follows recent acclaim for Role Models with a brand new leading role this week. To mark the release of I Love You, Man I present to you my Quick Top Five Paul Rudd performances:

5. The Great Gatsby: I accept I’m a big blasphemer but I rather liked the remake of Gatsby, one of my treasured summer reads, (not least because Mia Farrow was nowhere near the thing) and one of the abiding reasons was Paul Rudd as Nick. His sparing and vulnerable performance is truly worth watching.

4. Clueless: Aside from being a genuinely funny high school satire, and clever update of Austen’s Emma, Clueless gives us socially aware, step-brother Josh – Alicia Silverstone’s just-this-side-of-incest-but-not-enough-to-be-kinky, sexy banter-buddy.

3. The Object of My Affection: One of Jennifer Aniston’s Friends hiatus projects, this romantic comedy is often overlooked but is actually a touching and intelligent look at the fine line between friendship and love. Paul Rudd is George, Aniston’s gay roommate, the pair unite over shared heartbreak and a longing to connect but have trouble breaking apart when the time comes to move on. (Ooo and he dances too!)

2. Knocked Up: In my (prejudiced) eyes Paul Rudd ran away with Judd Apatow’s gently funny look at the consequences of a one-night stand. I think this performance is close to tragic, and for me it stands out a mile.

1. The Shape of Things: On the surface, the big screen version of Neil LaBute’s play doesn’t appear to spit the same bile as his 1997 film In the Company of Men but, as the movie teaches us, not all is as it seems. The cast had previously appeared together in the Broadway production and their familiarity with the material gives the already compelling story an added depth. Rachel Weisz, as artist Evelyn, is a devious delight, but the veracity of Paul Rudd’s ugly-duckling-turned-heartthrob gives the story soul. A breathtaking (in the literal sense of the word) must see.

I had no trouble selecting this Top 5 as they are all beloved films from my own collection. However, I must beg your indulgence and include a bonus choice:

Dinner for Five (Season 2, episode 12): Paul appeared at Jon Favreau’s round table industry discussion show in 2001 alongside actor/director Peter Berg, Famke Janssen, Judd Apatow and Favreau himself. While not strictly a performance, this is a stand out episode in one of my favourite TV shows of all time and essential viewing for any movie fan. It also spookily is the show that reunites Janssen and Favreau after working together on Love and Sex, (one of my previous reviews) brings together Rudd and Apatow (credited above) AND is hosted by Jon Favreau who co-stars in I Love You, Man, making this piece appear seamlessly linked and really quite circle-of-lifey!

Day is now breaking in America over the 44th birthday of Robert Downey Jr. An actor, musician and part-time mad man, Downey has fitted a lot of living into four decades of life. In honour of this, I present to you my Quick Top Five RDJ performances.

5. Weird Science: His contribution to 80′s smart/casual fashion has never been equalled. Upturned collars, cropped jackets and khaki Bermuda shorts ““ the campest preppie bully in John Hughes history.

4. Natural Born Killers: Say what you like about Oliver Stone’s Marmite movie, Robert Downey is a babbling, scheming revelation.

3. Only You: This sadly underrated romantic comedy is Downey at his most charismatic as he chases and woos Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler) around Florence and sabotages her search for the man she believes is her destiny.

2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Perfect, funny, dry and as twisty as a twisty thing. RDJ gets to babble like a maniac and accidentally solve a little crime on the side!

1. Home for the Holidays: This film has it all ““ Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, dysfunctional families, sparkling dialogue and Mr Downey Jr. It is by far my favourite festive movie and, although we don’t do Thanksgiving here, I watch it every November and give thanks that someone had the common sense to make it. An absolute gem.

It was hard to limit the list to just five films and I must reserve the right to change my mind as often as I like. With a career that began thirty-nine years ago, there are dozens of spellbinding performances to choose from, and he shows no signs of slowing down yet. Sherlock Holmes is currently in post-production and due to hit cinemas this Boxing Day ““ just when I though Rupert Everett was as close a contender to Jeremy Brett as we were going to find along comes RDJ to fight him for the crown. He has been a busy boy and deserves a birthday break, however he chooses to spend his day let us hope he doesn’t wear himself out”¦Iron Man II begins shooting on Monday!